


Like You Made Me Feel When We Were

by harriet_vane



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Christmas, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 12:14:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2850521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harriet_vane/pseuds/harriet_vane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Did you hear?” Ruth asked. “Louis Tomlinson’s back.”</p><p>Liam’s first reaction was <em>oh shit</em> followed by <em>come on, Liam</em> followed by <em>keep your face blank just this once, don’t react, c’mon Liam, don’t react.</em> </p><p>He wasn’t tremendously successful, if Ruth’s giggles were anything to go by. </p><p>“He’s your best friend! It’s not like you haven’t spoken to him in two years or something, right?” Ruth asked. </p><p>—</p><p>In which Louis comes home for Christmas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like You Made Me Feel When We Were

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mistresscurvy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistresscurvy/gifts).



> For my very dear [mistresscurvy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mistresscurvy/pseuds/mistresscurvy) who loves Christmas fic ♥
> 
> Thanks to Tora for britpicking as always ♥ and to Olivia and Melanie and DF for reading through as I wrote it. IT'S VERY HARD TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR THE PERSON YOU NORMALLY SEND EVERY PARAGRAPH TO. Thanks to H for the lovely header (at the end) and thanks to Nan just because. ♥
> 
> Please **don't** post this fic anywhere else, please **don't** distribute it anywhere, please **don't** put it on goodreads, and really really please don't link it to anyone being written about here. Thanks!

“Did you hear?” Ruth asked. “Louis Tomlinson’s back.”

Liam’s first reaction was _oh shit_ followed by _come on, Liam_ followed by _keep your face blank just this once, don’t react, c’mon Liam, don’t react._

He wasn’t tremendously successful, if Ruth’s giggles were anything to go by. 

“He’s your best friend! It’s not like you haven’t spoken to him in two years or something, right?” Ruth asked. She hung another glittery ornament on the Christmas tree. “Can you reach to do the star?”

“Yeah,” said Liam, taking it out of the box. His parents’ house was already Christmas-y; they had garlands strung around the living room and Ruth and him had been hanging fairy lights above the doors all morning. 

“You must have talked to him since he moved to London,” Ruth said. 

Liam had to stand on a chair to get the star on top of the tree. “Yeah, he emails sometimes,” Liam said. Huge group emails, he didn’t say, including Liam and everyone Louis had ever met, apparently, talking about all the brilliant things he was doing in London. Never a, “hey, how are you doing, best friend for basically my entire life before I went off and started being so amazingly cool?” email. Just “Come see me in a production of The House of Blue Leaves!” and the date and price of tickets. 

Eight years of friendship ought to have earned a phone call, Liam thought, but it wasn’t like he’d phoned, either. A couple of texts after Louis had decided to go to London to try and get famous rather than finishing uni, just _is it amazzzzinggggggg_ and _say hi to the queen for meeeeeee_. Louis had responded with _ha ha_ and then nothing.

He straightened the star while Ruth stood back, arms crossed, trying to decide if the tree had enough decorations yet. The worst bit was that he wasn’t as excited about Christmas as he should have been, because his family and Louis’s family had done a mini-Christmas together on Louis’s birthday, Christmas Eve, since he and Louis had been little. It hadn’t been at all the same the last two years without Louis. Would it be better or worse if he was home this year? Liam had no idea.

 _Why_ hadn't Louis called him? Liam hadn’t called because he hadn’t done anything interesting since Louis had left. He’d worked in the factory with his dad for a few months, and then he’d got a job at Currys and was taking evening classes twice a week about music engineering. Just boring stuff, nothing flash like Louis’s plays in London, or his expensive parties, or his famous friends. 

“What’s that face about, then?” Ruth asked. “The star looks alright.”

“Oh, yeah, glad to hear it,” Liam said vaguely. If Louis were really home, Liam could probably avoid running into him. Just because Liam had spent nearly every afternoon of his life in Louis’s loft, playing with legos and prank calling Andy and plaiting Louis’s sisters’ hair and struggling through his maths homework didn’t mean anything now that they were both adults. Liam was nineteen and Louis would be twenty-one by Christmas. Too old to hang out with friends from school, surely.

“You ought to be chuffed Louis’s back, but you look like someone’s tried to take Loki away from you,” Ruth said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” said Liam quickly. “Did you hang the mistletoe around the house yet? You and Nic’ll want loads for your boyfriends at the Christmas Eve party.”

“You’re tall, you hang it,” Ruth ordered. 

“I’m only taller than you, you hobbit,” Liam said, but she threw it at his head and he sighed and began putting it up. It was a distraction at least. Louis Tomlinson, Liam thought, shaking his head. Well, he probably wouldn’t recognize Liam now anyway. Or want to talk to him. So it was probably for the best that he wouldn’t be running into him. 

—

Working in the shop was boring. Liam spent his entire shift thinking about afterwards, when he went to evening classes two nights a week and got to play around with music. He’d been doing remixes for a while, and they didn’t sound professional or anything, but everyone in the class seemed to like them. 

Liam had plenty of time to take out the laptop his parents had bought him two Christmases ago and play around with songs. The shop was empty until early afternoon, when loads of students came in looking for toys to play with and generally breaking things until Liam had to go and tell them to buy something or get out. 

Louis would have liked his remixes, Liam thought, staring at his laptop a little sadly. Liam had done a music A level and written a couple of songs, and Louis had always been willing to listen to him goofing around with the piano. He’d been encouraging, too, even when Liam knew he was mostly having bad ideas. 

And now Louis was off in London, starring in all sorts of plays and musicals and being proper successful, while Liam was sitting in a dingy little shop and still taking classes. Louis had sent a photo of him and a well-fit lad, arms around each other, laughing about something. The other lad looked like a model and Louis’s hair had got long and he’d got all stubbly.

He looked fit. He looked _amazingly_ fit, and Liam didn’t like to think that about someone he’d known since they both thought throwing dead insects at each other was the height of hilarity, but… Louis looked fit, and that model-looking lad was probably his boyfriend.

Liam wouldn’t have come home much if that had been his life, either. 

Liam hadn’t really realized that the only person he hung out with was Louis until Louis had left, and there was just… no one. He’d always been the youngest person in his year, and he’d never had loads of friends. But there had always been Louis, a couple of years ahead of him. Louis was always around for a football game, or a prank, or starring in a play at school. Louis had tried a half a year at uni and Liam had been alright, because he’d still seen Louis loads. 

But then Louis had gone off to London. Liam had a couple of mates, especially after the doctors told him his kidney was working again and he could start drinking. There were a few lads nights out. He’d had a girlfriend for a little while, too, a friend of Ruth’s. She had been lovely, and it was probably really strange to think she hadn’t been nearly as fun as Louis. Anyway she’d got bored, and Liam had agreed that he was bored, too, mostly because he knew he was boring. 

Liam had a little flat with his parents’ old sofa and a mattress on the floor and a couple of folding chairs. He’d bought a PlayStation and a television instead of a bed frame, which drove his mum crazy; she was always complaining about it. Liam figured it was alright; he was only nineteen, and he hadn’t at all got his life together yet. In a couple of years he’d get a better job, and a proper bed, and a nicer flat. A girlfriend who was a bit mischievous, maybe, and funny, and who loved watching football. It would all happen eventually.

He realized he’d been staring into space while the same music loop played over and over on his laptop. An older lady had come into the shop and was frowning at the DVD players, and then frowning at him. Liam closed his laptop quickly and gave her a polite smile. 

His phone buzzed just as she asked him about the differences in HD cables, and Liam spent nearly half an hour telling her it was fine if she bought the cheaper one, and no, her grandson wouldn’t see a difference when he played video games. When she left, a load of kids from his school came in, just to look at phones and complain that they didn’t have cool ones. 

It was forever before he got to check his phone. _Party tomorrow night! You should come round._ Andy hadn’t texted him in ages, and Liam was glad to have an invitation to something. 

_Yea ill be there_ he replied. He still had people to hang out with and parties to go to, and it would be a nice distraction from all this thinking about Louis coming home that honestly made his stomach hurt. 

Louis hadn’t texted, but it was fine. Liam was fine.

—

The party wasn’t at Andy’s, it was at one of Andy’s mates’ houses. Liam had to take a bus, and when he got there the party was already in full swing. It was bright and loud and there were already loads of people falling down drunk all over the house.

Liam had been drinking for nearly a year and he still hadn’t got the hang of it. He either drank way too much and ended up throwing up and passing out somewhere, waking up with dicks drawn on his face in felt tip. Or else he nursed one beer all night long.

Tonight he thought he might drink a bit too much, to try and forget how he’d been feeling since he’d found out Louis was coming back for Christmas. He’d felt a bit buzzy under his skin. Was he going to see Louis at all? Was it going to be Christmas Eve together? A nice drinking night out with mates would make him feel better, he’d decided. 

As soon as he walked in someone threw a beer at him. “Of course you’re here, Payno,” said one of Andy’s friends, and Liam nodded because... well, Andy had invited him. Of course he was here.

There was a shout and a cheer and a load of lads coming downstairs. Liam saw Andy, and a few other lads he recognized, and then, right in the middle of them was Louis.

Liam’s heart stopped.

Louis looked _amazing_. His hair was long and a bit lion-y. His jaw was sharper and his cheekbones looked higher somehow, and his eyes were bluer. He was laughing and telling a story.

He looked exactly the same and entirely different. Liam’s chest hurt from not breathing, but he couldn’t remember how to do it. He just saw Louis, gesturing wildly and throwing his head back to laugh, and he looked…

Beautiful. Liam’s stomach turned over uncomfortably. Did he want to rush out before Louis spotted him? How would Liam say hello when Louis obviously didn’t want to talk to him anymore? 

But there wasn’t a good place to hide. He was standing in the middle of a room; he couldn’t crawl under the sofa. He couldn’t bolt suddenly for the door, not when Andy was yelling, “Liam! There you are, come and say hello!”

Liam had never felt dread like this before. He’d been embarrassed before, plenty of times. He’d asked a girl out once in year eleven and she’d turned him down in front of everyone he knew. He and Louis had shoplifted and only Liam had been caught; the look on his dad’s face when he came to get him had been enough to make Liam cry. Plenty of Louis’s pranks had ended with Liam being embarrassed. 

This was different, though. Liam’s arm waved back at Andy without him telling it to, and then Louis looked over. Liam knew what was going to happen – some kind of forced, half-smile, when Louis barely recognized Liam anymore, and Louis realized he’d have to talk to him, when he obviously didn’t want to. And Liam was going to throw up.

It was such a wretched feeling, hoping Louis would look at him and smile, and being cross with himself for wanting that as badly as he did. They’d been inseparable and Liam still didn’t know what he’d done wrong to make Louis go away and stop talking to him. 

“Payno, hey, good to see you,” Louis said breezily. There was a lot of back-slapping and fist bumping as Andy and Louis and everyone walked over. Liam found himself shoved awkwardly close to Louis. Two years ago he would have gone straight for a hug and just hung off Louis’s neck. But two years ago Louis would have called him every day he was away, instead of disappearing into a cooler life in London. 

“Yeah, you look good,” Liam said. Had that been a weird thing to say? Was it too much? What was he supposed to say? 

“Ha, you too,” said Louis, slapping his back. Liam had no idea what that meant, and he’d _always_ known exactly what Louis meant. At least, he had after Louis had decided they ought to be friends. Things had started pretty badly when Louis had first moved in at the end of the street, and Liam’s mum and his mum had decided they ought to be friends. Louis had decided that he hated Liam on sight and been absolutely miserable to him. But then he’d suddenly changed his mind and they were best mates.

In retrospect, Liam realized, he’d never really decided to be friends with Louis at all. He’d just been too overwhelmed to argue about it, and anyway, Louis was brilliant and funny and the only person who _wanted_ to be his best friend. 

“You okay there, Liam?” asked Andy.

“I’m great, yeah, wonderful,” said Liam automatically. 

“—and then I looked up, and guess who was trying to pull? Well, I won’t say, only she _was_ one of the Spice Girls. And I was like, ‘alright love, but aren’t you a bit old for me?” Louis grinned and everyone laughed. Everyone. Liam even laughed out of sheer reflex. 

“But aren’t you gay?” Andy asked.

Liam expected Louis to go all red-faced and furious like he had at school, but he laughed breezily and waved Andy off. “Bisexual, aren’t I? Girls, lads, whoever’s prettiest and got the best moves in bed.” He waggled his eyebrows meaningfully. “Literally, no one gives a fuck in London, I tell you what. You can fuck whoever you like.” 

“Wow,” said Andy. “So, like, you’re a bit of a slut, now?”

“I’m in _high demand_ ,” Louis corrected him. “But I’m actually really picky. You’d have to be, wouldn’t you, with this arse?” 

All the lads looked well impressed, Liam included. Somehow you couldn’t snicker at Louis for being gay, when he was so proud of it. His clothes looked expensive, and up close Liam could see how carefully his hair was done. He was barely anything like Liam’s Louis, and Liam’s stomach hurt.

“Have you got a beer, Liam?” Louis asked, astonished.

Liam looked at the beer in his own hand in surprise for just a minute before he remembered. “Oh, yeah. Kidney grew back or something, I can drink now.”

“Your kidney _grew back_?” Louis demanded. “It never did. That can’t happen. You aren’t a starfish.”

What did starfish have to do with anything? “Did, though,” Liam said stubbornly. “The doctor said… Well, they said I’ve got two kidneys and they both work.”

“Were you _lying_ the whole time you told me you couldn’t drink?” Louis sounded so offended. 

“No,” said Liam. “No, of course not.”

Louis looked at him through narrowed eyes. Well, at least he had Louis’s attention, Liam thought miserably, and then told himself he was being ridiculous. “Let’s see you get drunk, then,” Louis said. Someone immediately pressed another bottle into Liam’s hand. 

Louis was staring at him. It was weird, and good, and horrible at the same time. Liam took a drink and tried a _see? No problems now_ face. Louis just kept staring. He started to pat Liam on the shoulder and then visibly thought better of it, pulling his hand back. 

Well _that_ felt awful. Louis had always thrown himself all over Liam. Liam leaned away slightly and finished his beer as quickly as he could. His head spun a little. “See?” he started to say, but Louis had already turned back to his adoring crowd.

“London’s _sick_ ,” Louis said loudly. “Me and the lads are out at clubs every night, not little parties like this, proper parties, VIP rooms and Cristal and celebrities.”

“What do celebrities want with you?” Andy said.

“Been making a name for myself in the West End,” Louis said. “Met loads of them, most of them are fake as shit, of course, but they recognize _my_ talent.” 

“Have you actually done West End plays?” Liam blurted. None of the plays Louis had emailed about had been _that_ big.

Louis gave him a pitying look. “Not going to do one until the right project comes along,” he said. “Jude Law – did I mention I chatted with him after one of his performances? We were at the same pub. He gave me that advice. Loads of things he regrets, obviously.”

“Tell me you haven’t met Emma Watson,” said one of the other lads. 

“Met? Well. No, I wouldn’t say _met_.” Louis gave them all a little smirk. Liam’s stomach twisted again. He needed another drink. 

“You never shagged her,” said Andy.

Louis just shrugged and kept smirking.

There was a general shout of disbelief and everyone began shoving and elbowing each other. Louis just smiled and smirked and waggled his eyebrows.

Of course Louis hadn’t emailed. What the hell would he possibly want to know about Liam’s life, when he was – well, Liam wasn’t actually totally convinced Louis was telling the truth about Emma Watson. He’d probably nearly run her over with a car or something, and he just wasn’t saying so everyone could drive themselves mad guessing. 

Liam needed another drink. He edged his way out of the group and into the kitchen to find one. He could still hear Louis behind him, laughing louder than anyone else, telling a story about something brilliant and dangerous he’d done. Liam found an alcopop in the fridge and helped himself. 

He’d said hello. He’d had a whole conversation with Louis, sort of. He could go home. He hadn’t said anything tremendously stupid, but he felt as if he had, as if he’d failed to be cool and witty and worthy of Louis’s time. 

If he left now, would it still be running away? He’d only just arrived, and everyone knew he and Louis were friends. Had been friends. He should stick around for a bit so it didn’t look like he’d been scared off, shouldn’t he? 

His stomach twisted uncomfortably again. He didn’t have a single thing to say to Louis that could be nearly as cool or as fun as what Louis had been up to the past couple of years. He was just exactly the same Liam as always, while Louis had gone and grown up and got cool.

Liam finished his second drink a little too quickly, nodding to a couple of girls he thought he might have known at school, and smiling vaguely when Andy came shouting through the kitchen screaming that he was having the best night ever. 

Someone sidled up behind him, much too close, and Liam turned too quickly, sloshing his drink.

“Never used to be so jumpy, did you Liam?” Louis asked, with his amazing mix of mocking and fond. 

He made Liam feel like a kid. “You’re usually shouting, so I know you’re there,” Liam said.

Louis grinned at that. “I am, aren’t I? So. You’re drinking. That’s… different.”

Liam couldn’t tell if Louis meant good different or bad different. It made him feel terrible, because he’d got so good at knowing exactly what Louis meant all the time. “I told you, my kidney’s grown back. Or healed. Or… I mean, you know. I was in and out of hospital all the time, and now it’s fine.”

“Just like that? Come on, Liam. You look okay, though. Working out or something?”

“I always liked running,” Liam said. He didn’t say _you know that_ and Louis didn’t appear to hear it. “Worked at the factory for a bit, got some muscle I suppose. Been boxing again a bit, too.”

“Yeah,” said Louis. “You’re all shoulders now, eh? Your girlfriend must love it.” He waggled his eyebrows and took a long drink from his plastic cup.

“I had one,” Liam said quickly, in case Louis was doubting it. 

“Had,” Louis repeated, narrowing his eyes.

Liam shrugged. “Better off as friends, I suppose. You know. Because…” He trailed off. Maybe the thing that Louis was always doing, where he let people guess and they guessed the coolest possible end to the sentence, would work.

“Because you’re gay?” Louis asked.

Liam choked on his drink. “Mate,” he spluttered. “No.” The alcohol was burning his throat and his nose and his lungs hurt a little bit where he’d inhaled liquid. Where had Louis come up with that?

Louis narrowed his eyes. He was sizing Liam up again, and Liam had no idea what he was looking for. “How do you know?” Louis asked.

Liam just stared at him. “What do you mean, how do I know? Never fancied a lad, have I?” He swallowed so loudly he was sure Louis could hear him. Louis was standing so close, Liam could feel the heat radiating off him. He’d always been cold before, and Liam had draped himself across Louis’s back to warm him up. Now Louis was warm and he was _looking_ at Liam. His hair was so carefully quiffed and his cheekbones were so high and sharp. 

If Louis had been a girl, Liam thought wildly, Louis would have been the prettiest girl Liam had ever seen. He couldn’t take a step back; there was a work surface behind him.

“Well, have you ever thought about it?” Louis asked.

Liam shook his head. “No,” he said. Was it getting hotter in the kitchen? Was it suddenly very hard to breathe? Liam wished Louis would get distracted, telling everyone his stories. 

Louis laughed suddenly, bright and loud. “Of course you haven’t,” he said loudly. “Well, it’s no big deal in London. Not like out here. No one gives a fuck.”

“You said that earlier,” Liam agreed. His mouth felt weirdly dry. 

“Seriously, Liam, it’s fine,” Louis said, back to his offhanded, vaguely condescending tone. He slapped Liam on the back. “If you’ve had gay thoughts now and then it’s no big deal.”

“I _haven’t_ ,” Liam protested, but then Louis slung his arm around Liam’s shoulders and pulled him in for a funny one-armed hug and when Liam inhaled, all he could smell was Louis’s expensive, amazing cologne. 

Did “gay thoughts” include “god, I wish you’d throw your arms around me and hug me like you would have two years ago”? Was that a normal friendship thought, or a gay one? Would turning and clinging to Louis as if Louis were the only safe place in the whole room be gay? After that whole conversation it seemed like it would be. Had Louis been warning him off, or… Or encouraging him?

Okay. _That_ was a gay thought. Liam put his arm around Louis’s waist tentatively – tentative for the first time since they’d been little kids. Louis smelled delicious and he looked fantastic and Liam wanted to bury his face in Louis’s neck and just hold on to him for a long, long time. But he wasn’t sure he was allowed anymore, and if Louis had been teasing then Liam couldn’t stand being shoved away.

If any of this counted as “gay thoughts” then Liam had been having gay thoughts about Louis for literally years and just never noticed, but that didn’t seem likely. 

“It’s good to see you, Payno,” said Louis. He sounded oddly… sincere? Louis never sounded sincere. 

“Yeah,” said Liam. “You too. Of course.”

Louis looked at him again and Liam thought maybe Louis was going to do… something? What? Liam wasn’t sure, but it made him hot and cold and shivery and confused. He stepped back, because he wasn’t going to throw himself at Louis and cry or anything. He wasn’t his mum. He didn’t cry all the time for no reason. Or at least, he wasn’t going to cry for no reason around Louis. 

“You look good,” Louis said. It was the second time he’d said it. 

Seriously, what was going on with Louis? If he’d been a girl and he’d been looking at Liam like that, Liam might have thought he was trying to pull. But Louis was off shagging Emma Watson, or at least claiming he was shagging Emma Watson, and Liam was as far from Emma as anyone could get. 

“You do, too,” said Liam stupidly. His voice was weirdly croaky, maybe from choking earlier. Maybe because he didn’t know what to say, and he’d just realized he was looking _down_ at Louis. When had he got so much taller? It was baffling.

“Yeah?” Louis asked. He was leaning in again.

There was a tremendous crash in the other room. “Andy’s set himself on fire! No, hang on, he’s fine!” someone shouted. 

“I should go and check on him,” Liam said. “He’s set himself on fire before, it was kind of awful. He’s a bit of an idiot, but…” He shrugged one shoulder.

“No, no, I get it. Go on,” Louis said. “I’ll just get a drink. This is a boring party anyway, I might go out and find somewhere a bit more interesting to be.”

“Nothing interesting here,” Liam said, with a little laugh. “You’ll have to go back to London to find anything fun.” He edged away a little. Andy really would be upset if he’d set himself on fire again. 

“Will I?” Louis asked, with a little twist of his mouth. “Well. That’s too bad.”

—

“Five days to Christmas,” said Andy’s friend Joe. They were stood out on the pavement, and none of them had worn a proper jacket and so they were all trying not to look too cold. Liam had a jumper and a scarf but the wind was whipping through it and he felt like he was freezing half to death. Andy offered him a cigarette and he nodded, cupping his hands carefully around the end to stop the wind putting it out. 

He really, really needed to stop smoking, but it made him feel a little warmer. “Can’t wait,” said Liam. 

“Gonna stay up all night waiting for Father Christmas?” Andy asked. Joe laughed, and so did Andy’s other new friend, a tall skinny kid whose name Liam couldn’t remember. 

“I might do,” Liam said. Andy was laughing at him, but Andy only laughed in a generally nice way. “I love Christmas.”

Andy slapped Liam’s back in a friendly way. “I’m hungry,” said whatshisname. “I want to get some chips.”

“Later,” said Andy. “Hey, Liam, did you see those pictures Louis was flashing?” 

Liam did his best to not react. “What, has he got photos of him and the Queen? I only saw him for a minute.”

“No, his boyfriend.” Andy shook his head, which meant he wasn’t looking at Liam when Liam felt his face go white. It was one thing to be relatively sure Louis had a boyfriend. It was another to hear that he definitely, definitely had one. Liam must have been an idiot, thinking Louis had maybe been flirting with him in the kitchen. Of course, he’d done his best to _not_ think about that.

Damn it. These were definitely gay thoughts. Liam needed to sit down and make a list and see if he was having so many gay thoughts that he needed to be concerned about it. 

“— _really_ handsome,” Joe was saying. “Like, if I was gonna fuck a dude, I’d want him to be pretty like that.” 

“Who, Louis?” Liam asked, blinking.

All three of them stared at him. “No,” said Andy, with a slightly disbelieving tinge to his voice. “Louis’s boyfriend. What do you mean, Louis?”

“I… Louis looks fit,” Liam said. “Like… He… No, I didn’t see his boyfriend. Um. He was showing you photos?”

Joe and Andy and whatshisname all shared glances. “Only about a million photos on his phone,” said Joe. 

The strange icy feeling in his stomach made Liam feel a bit ill. Maybe it was the wind. He remembered suddenly how cold he was. Of course Louis would have a really beautiful boyfriend. Liam was pleased that Louis was happy in London. He was really pleased that Louis—

No. He wasn’t. He wasn’t at all happy about it, it made him feel ill, and he didn’t know what to do about it, or why it was happening. “Do you know when Louis’s going back to London?” he asked. His voice sounded a bit weird again.

“After Christmas I suppose. He said he had big plans for New Years back in town. Didn’t you talk to him?” Andy sounded honestly baffled. 

Liam was honestly baffled, too. One short conversation with Louis, which had been _weird_ , and meanwhile Louis had been talking about his life with people he’d barely even spoken to when they were all at school. He still had no idea if he’d be seeing Louis on Christmas Eve, and he had even less of an idea whether or not he wanted to. “A bit,” Liam hedged. “Not much. We’ve both grown up, I suppose. Not the same as it was when we were kids.” He took a drag on his cigarette and tried not to cough. 

“That sucks,” said whatshisname. A gust of wind made them all turn slightly out of it, and Liam’s cigarette nearly got blown out of his fingers. “Never saw one of you without the other. Now you’re not even mates?”

“We are,” said Liam defensively. “We’re still mates. It’s just different.”

“Not in love with him anymore, then?” Andy laughed. He elbowed Liam. “Just kidding.”

Liam wished the wind would blow him straight out of town. Maybe into the river and drown him. “I need to go home,” he said. “I think my mum’s waiting on me… Y’know, Christmas.” He waved a hand vaguely and dropped his cigarette, stepping on it. 

He needed to go home. To his flat, not to his mum’s, and he needed to sit all alone for a while and try and sort out all the things that needed sorting out. Liam rather thought he might not be clever enough to do it alone. It was the sort of thing that Louis would have laughed at him about, and said, “Oh, it’s so _obvious_ , Liam,” and explained everything. But now Louis had become the problem and Liam had no idea how to sort him out. 

—

Liam’s brain seemed to be trying to make a remix of Andy saying, “Not in love with him anymore, then?” over and over, whenever Liam closed his eyes, or tried to think about other things. 

His flat was just big enough to sit on his mattress on the floor and toss a tennis ball for Loki. Loki ran back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen as the ball bounced off the walls and floor, and then brought it back, a bit mucky and covered in spit. Liam would have taken him to the park, but it was tipping down rain outside, and it was cold. 

“What did Andy mean?” Liam asked. Loki trotted over, tilted his head, and dropped the tennis ball. Liam scratched Loki behind the ears. “Does that mean he thought I was in love with Louis at school? It must do, right? But I wasn’t. I never even considered it.”

Loki whined and nudged his nose against Liam’s knee, and then his hand. Liam threw the ball again, and Loki went bounding after it. 

“I wasn’t in love with him!” Liam said. “He was just my best friend.”

Loki trotted back over with the ball. He dropped it and it rolled into Liam’s foot. It was a bit cold and slimy. 

“I do feel a bit like… Like I got dumped, though.” Liam said it quietly, like a confession, even though Loki obviously wasn’t going to tell anyone. “He just vanished and he never called and now he’s dating someone else. No, not else. He was never dating me, obviously.” 

Loki flopped to the floor and put his chin on Liam’s knee. Liam scratched him behind the ears again. 

“Should I go and talk to him about it? God, what if _he_ thought I was in love with him, like Andy did, and he left so he wouldn’t have to turn me down? He’s got a really handsome boyfriend now. He can’t still be cross. I can tell him I never even noticed, and he can laugh, and maybe… Maybe we could be friends again?”

It was too pathetic. Liam fell over backward on his mattress and Loki whined unhappily at being left with no petting. 

“Did _everyone_ think I was in love with him, or was Andy just joking?” And worse than that, _why_ had Andy thought Liam was in love? Was it the fact that he and Louis went everywhere together? Or had he been looking at Louis in a way that somehow said _I am in love with him_? Had Louis noticed? Had everyone else noticed?

“I would have _known_ if I was in love with him, surely,” Liam said. Loki whined and crawled up on the mattress with him, nudging Liam’s cheek with his cold nose. “Do you suppose my parents knew? Joking that Louis was their other son and all. Or maybe Andy was just talking rubbish. I don’t _know_.” He rolled over and buried his face in Loki’s fur.

Loki wouldn’t particularly care if it turned out Liam was gay. Liam didn’t actually think his parents would care, either; his dad might have a bit of a cry over it, but that wouldn’t be unusual. Mostly Liam felt embarrassed. If he _was_ gay for Louis, he should have _noticed_. Someone should have said something. 

Barely a week ago, he’d told Louis he’d never fancied another lad. If he’d been fancying Louis all along, that was just _embarrassing_.

“At least he’s going away again soon,” Liam mumbled into Loki’s fur. “Dunno if I’m gay for anyone else or just for him. Dunno if I’m even gay for him. Think I might be. Don’t tell anyone, alright?” Loki whined again, and then barked, one quick yip. Liam took it as agreement. 

—

“I’ll need you to be over at the house by nine on Christmas Eve,” said Liam’s mum. “I’ve got a lot to do and your dad’ll need a hand. We’ve got the girls coming over.”

“Nine in the morning?” Liam groaned. “That’s so early.”

“Loads to cook, isn’t there?” his mum asked briskly. “You can tidy up the garden before it snows, and I’ll need a dish washer.”

“Why can’t Ruth or Nic do it?” Liam grumbled. He wedged the phone between his chin and his shoulder and looked through his fridge. No food, really, just some bread that was stale and half a box of mince pies. If he went over to his mum’s, she’d feed him until he exploded. That was worth a bit of tidying up. 

“I expect they’ll be busy with the girls, won’t they? Or with their boyfriends.”

“Hmm,” Liam agreed. He stuffed the last two mince pies in his mouth at the same time and tried not to choke. Loki ran over to the open fridge and whined hopefully. “Busy with what girls?”

“The Tomlinsons. I told you; the girls are coming over.”

Liam straightened up so fast he smacked his head against the top of the fridge, and then nearly inhaled half a mince pie by accident. So they _were_ still doing Christmas with Louis’s family. His heart was beating so hard his chest hurt. “Just the girls, though?” he said, spitting crumbs.

“The whole family, I’d imagine. Won’t it be nice, Liam, having Louis over again? Just like the old days, celebrating our little pre-Christmas on his birthday. We ought to get him something, but I don’t know what he likes, now that he’s living in London. You’ll find him something, won’t you?”

“We’re not… I haven’t seen him in years, mum,” Liam tried.

“But that doesn’t matter with the two of you,” she said certainly. “I’ll see you bright and early, love.” 

She rang off and Liam stared at his phone for a minute. Mums were _terrible_ trouble sometimes. Not that there was an easy way to say, “No, mum, I don’t think we’re friends anymore, and even if we were, I’m possibly a bit gay for him.” 

Loki barked, so Liam closed the fridge and pocketed his phone. Loki ran over to the door and picked the lead up and ran back over to Liam.

“Yes,” said Liam, “I see. Hang on a moment, let me grab my jacket.” Loki did an impatient little dance, shaking the lead around in his mouth. Liam shrugged on his sweatshirt and his jacket and took Loki outside.

The rain had finally turned to snow, and Liam immediately wished he’d put on a scarf or a hat or some boots. His trainers soaked through instantly, and big fluffy snowflakes landed on his nose and eyelashes, turning everything white.

Never mind the cold and the wind; Liam loved Christmas too much not to be excited about having a snowy one. Loki hadn’t seen snow since last winter, and he seemed a little confused, frolicking after snowflakes one minute, and then stopping to growl angrily at a little lump of snow built up on the pavement.

There weren’t many other people out walking in the snow. Liam shivered and dragged Loki along when he seemed determined to have a wee on everything they walked past. 

What was he supposed to do about Louis’s birthday? Louis had always demanded multiple presents, since his birthday was practically Christmas. No one was allowed to roll the two in together; even when Liam had been little and presents had involved hand-drawn cards decorated with crayoned snowmen and Christmas trees, Louis had required two cards. Maybe he’d grown out of that, but Liam doubted it. He still wanted attention, didn’t he? 

Liam had about twenty pounds in his wallet at the moment. Not enough to get anything particularly nice. He could pick up a card and a hat, maybe. The sort of generic Christmas present you got for someone you didn’t really know that well. Just the thought made Liam’s stomach hurt. He’d always known exactly what to get Louis. 

Loki barked excitedly, and tried to dash ahead down the pavement. Liam felt like his arm was being yanked out of his shoulder. “Loki! Hey, cut it out!” he said.

“He’s just saying hello, aren’t you?” 

Liam hadn’t seen anyone else in the snow, let alone Louis. But Loki had run over to him, tail wagging wildly, and Louis crouched and scratched his head.

God, Louis looked good. He was wearing a really nice jacket and a posh looking scarf and beanie, half covered in snow. His fringe poked out underneath his beanie, and his eyes were piercing blue as he looked up at Liam, and Liam felt his heart stutter and stop again.

Louis’s boyfriend was a really lucky guy. Liam made himself think that, and then pasted on a smile. “Don’t reckon you’ve met Loki before, have you?”

“He’s friendly,” said Louis. “Of course your dog would be.”

Liam didn’t know what that meant, exactly. “Yeah, he’s a good dog. So… Are you really coming over for Christmas Eve?” he asked. 

“I think you mean my birthday,” Louis corrected him mock-sternly. 

“Of course I do,” said Liam, relaxing into a real smile in spite of himself. “Your birthday, then baby Jesus’s birthday. Two important days.”

“Glad you remember,” said Louis. Liam’s stomach flopped over. Loki was wagging his tail crazily and barking at snowflakes. Louis patted him again and then straightened up. “Of course I’m coming over. It’s a tradition, isn’t it?”

“My mum wants me to get you something, but I don’t know what you want, now you’re all posh and London-y,” Liam blurted. He hadn’t meant to say that. “Because I’m broke, obviously, and anything you like you could just get in London, I suppose.”

It was hard to see exactly what Louis was thinking with all the fat, fluffy snowflakes falling between them. He stared at Liam for a long minute, and Liam wanted to apologize, but his throat was cold and his eyelashes were starting to freeze together and he didn’t know what to say.

“Anything from you would be alright, I reckon,” said Louis finally. “Don’t stress over it, alright?”

Liam heard _I can get anything I really want back in London anyway_. “Okay,” he said, trying to make his voice sound easy. “Not sure what I can scrounge up in forty-eight hours, but I’ll try.”

Louis leaned in abruptly and Liam forgot to breathe. Louis was just brushing snow out of his hair, though. “Get yourself a hat, for one,” Louis said. “You’re going to freeze to death.”

“I’m alright,” said Liam, shrugging. He was cold, and he couldn’t feel his feet anymore. “Really coming down out here, isn’t it?”

Louis took his hat off. “This is really nice cashmere; Zayn got it for me,” he said. He brushed some snow off it and then leaned in and put it on Liam. Liam didn’t know quite what to do, so he froze. Louis’s hands were framing his face, and Louis was looking up at him so seriously, biting his lip. Was it cold outside? Liam couldn’t feel it at all. 

Louis snorted quietly and pulled the hat down too far so Liam couldn’t see. Teasing, Liam thought. Like he would have done two years ago, without all these extra feelings mucking everything up. Liam ordered himself to react normally, laughing a little and trying desperately to make it sound normal as he pushed the hat back up. He could feel how soft the hat was. Clearly it was a bloody expensive present from his beautiful boyfriend. 

Louis went on, “It’s a really great hat, but I’ve got loads, obviously, and I don’t want your ears to fall off or anything. Nice, isn’t it?”

It was the softest hat Liam had ever worn. And yeah, he was having some gay-ish thoughts about Louis’s hands, and his mouth, and his cheekbones. Liam was taller enough that he could have grabbed Louis’s jacket with both hands and pulled him close. His hands itched do that, even though he wasn’t sure what he’d do next. Kiss Louis? Kiss him and then run away? “I’m not taking your hat—“ Liam started.

“Looks better on you than me,” said Louis. “You can keep it.” And then, like an afterthought, “Zayn’ll just get me another one.” 

That made Liam feel horrible. Zayn would just get Louis another hat. And Liam was going to keep this hat forever and ever and probably be really creepy and pet it when he missed Louis, or something. His heart felt like it was dropping out of his chest. “Cheers, then,” Liam said, sounding pretty normal but feeling choked and miserable. 

Loki whined and tugged at the lead. “Think he’s getting cold?” Louis asked.

“Probably. I should take him back inside. If you want your hat—“

“I’ll see you on my birthday,” said Louis, with a little wink. “Just like old times, eh? Get inside before you freeze.” 

Not at all like old times, Liam thought. He felt numb, probably from the cold outside. Maybe because he wanted Louis to look less beautiful, or not have a boyfriend. At least his ears were warm. 

“C’mon, Loki,” said Liam. He pulled at the lead until Loki ran back over to him, and then past him, back toward the flat. He did look cold. “I’ll see you,” he said. “Unless you think you’ll need to rush back to London to a really great party or something.”

He meant it as a joke, and he was pleased when Louis laughed. “No, no one fabulous waiting on me this week. Next week I expect I’ll run into Keira or Daisy out at a bar, but for now I’m just home to see the girls and my mum.”

Keira and Daisy, _Jesus_ , Liam thought. “Right, obviously,” he said, and then a quick, “Bye,” as Loki pulled him away. “Good dog,” Liam said softly, breaking into a jog that nearly sent him skidding off the pavement where the slush had got icy underfoot. “Good dog, let’s go home.”

—

Liam was up early on Christmas Eve because he loved Christmas, and because he couldn't sleep for thinking about what it was going to be like, stuck in his house all day with Louis right there, and everyone expecting them to be just like they'd always been. Liam wasn't sure what the bigger problem was; that he didn't know how to be friends with Posh London Louis, or that he secretly wanted to kiss Louis's face off despite how obnoxious he was.

“Whose hat is that?” Nic asked, as Liam walked in to his parents’ house.

Liam let Loki off the lead to run around the living room, barking wildly at the tree. He could feel his cheeks going pink. “Er,” he said. “It was a gift.” He pulled Louis’s beanie off and stuffed it in the back pocket of his jeans. 

The house had looked Christmassy last week; now it was ridiculous. There were fairy lights everywhere, and candy-cane scented candles, and presents piled under the tree to knee-high. “I’m putting sleigh bells on Loki,” said Ruth, trying to catch him. “We’ve got cute little dog jumpers. Do you think he’d let me put a red nose on him?”

“You can try,” Liam said. He hung his jacket up and clapped his hands together, trying to warm them up after a long walk outside in the cold from his flat. “What did mum want me for this early?” He stamped the snow off his trainers. 

“Loads more presents to wrap,” said Nic. “And washing up to do.”

“And why can’t _you_ do it?” he grumbled.

“Can’t hear you. Going back to bed,” said Ruth, waving him off. Nic followed her upstairs. Their boyfriends were probably still in bed, Liam thought enviously. There were always things for him to do, though.

His mum, in fact, had a list all written out for him in her painstakingly neat handwriting. “I’ll put on Christmas music, it’ll be nice,” she said, and after that Liam couldn’t even complain. He loved Christmas too much to be in a bad mood, even if he was a bit tired. 

He sang his way through three-quarters of a Bing Crosby Christmas album, wrapping the last few presents, including some for Louis’s little sisters. He still hadn’t found anything for Louis. Obviously he owed him a hat, but he couldn’t afford anything like the hat Louis had given him.

“Look at you, always my helpful boy,” his mum said, giving him a kiss on the cheek as he wrapped up a princess makeup kit for the twins. 

Liam laughed and sang, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas,” along with the Bing Crosby CD. 

“Ruth and I found you something special this year, didn’t we? Are you excited?” she asked.

Liam’s mouth went abruptly dry. What he _wanted_ was Louis back. The Louis he’d had two years ago, the one who draped himself all over Liam, and pinched him when he thought Liam wasn’t looking, and threw sweets at his head if he paid attention to someone else too long. 

And then, apparently, he wanted to kiss Louis, and see how _that_ would go. But if he couldn’t have that, he wanted his friend back. 

“Socks,” he said. “I hope it’s socks.”

His mum laughed. “You don’t want socks.”

He shrugged and smiled at her, and went back to singing along with Bing. 

He was just thinking it had to be near lunchtime and he was in danger of starving to death when someone else picked up a higher harmony to O Christmas Tree, and then there was a hand on his shoulder. Liam twisted around to see who it was.

Of course it was Louis. He absolutely hadn’t been this handsome before. His hair was all tousled and soft and his chin was covered in gold stubble. He looked _so good_ , Liam didn’t know what to do.

“Busy?” Louis asked.

Liam shook his head. “Just finishing things up for mum. She’s been cooking for hours and she won’t let me have any.”

“I reckon we could go and steal some,” Louis said. He offered Liam a hand up. Liam didn’t let himself think too much about touching him, or the stupid Christmas jumper he was wearing. He stood up and brushed pine needles off his jeans. 

“You could always get her to feed you up,” Liam said.

Louis grinned. “She loves feeding me. We should nip in and ask before the girls get here, because they’ll eat everything that isn’t tied down.”

“That’s alright. She’s cooking enough for an army,” Liam said. Louis seemed just a little different, as if Christmas had distracted him from missing London and his posh friends and his expensive life there. 

Louis laughed and Liam felt warm all over, as if he’d maybe got just a hint of his best friend back. He wasn’t going to blurt out _why did you leave_ or _why didn’t you call_ or anything stupid and embarrassing, he was just going to enjoy a few minutes when it seemed like Louis didn’t have anywhere better to be or anything more important to talk about.

Liam’s mum, of course, scolded them and let them take bits of bacon and gravy and roast potatoes – whatever they could snatch while she was pretending to disapprove. “The rest is for later, go away,” she said, looking a little teary. “Oh, but as long as you’re here, Louis—“

“Come on, quick, before she finds us work to do,” Louis whispered, grinning, and rushed Liam out of the room. 

Liam laughed. “She can’t make you work on your birthday.”

“Not if she can’t find us,” Louis said. He grabbed Liam’s hand and dragged him around behind the tree. There was a little corner there, almost entirely boxed in by presents, between the fireplace and the wall. “Do you think she’ll let us have Christmas crackers?”

“Not before anyone else is here,” Liam said. He leaned against the wall and Louis crowded in next to him. Their shoulders and elbows pressed together and Louis had a branch of the tree nearly caught in his hair. 

“Shh, she’ll hear,” Louis said. He still had his hand on Liam’s arm. It felt enormous. Liam had to keep reminding himself he was taller than Louis now, and broader, because he felt about twelve, trying not to giggle, hiding from his mum.

“I think she knows where we are,” Liam pointed out. “We’ve always hidden here.”

“Used to work better,” Louis said.

“Well, we used to be smaller,” Liam said.

Louis gave him a funny look, half a smile, half confusion. “I guess we did.” Did Louis look just a bit guilty? “You’ve finally got the dog you always wanted for Christmas. What did you wish for this year?” 

Liam wasn’t going to say it. Never mind how piney it smelled, or the twinkling lights on the tree splashing Louis’s face in white and blue and red and green. Never mind Frank Sinatra singing and the buzz of Christmas under Liam’s skin. 

_Just this_ he wasn’t going to say. _Just us being friends again_.

He squeezed Louis’s hand. “Nothing special,” he said instead. He gave Louis a cheeky smile. “You’ve got pine needles in your hair.”

Louis pretended to scowl and brushed at his hair. “My hair is perfect,” he said.

“Of course it is,” Liam said. Whoops. 

Louis didn’t miss a trick. He never had. “Oh really?” he asked. He crowded in just a tiny bit more, and Liam’s heart pounded in his chest. “Never fancied another lad, eh Liam? Never had a gay thought?”

“No. I… well, one or two,” Liam admitted, voice dropping out to almost nothing. “Just recently. It’s new, it’s not… I didn’t lie, before.”

“Just recently?” Louis looked triumphant. Liam’s heart was banging even harder. He’d gone from being safely tucked away in a nook between the tree and the wall to trapped against the wall by Louis.

“I know, I know, no one gives a shit in London,” Liam said quickly. “Everyone there is cool and bisexual and fun.”

Louis’s face changed suddenly, from eager to back to his slightly smug back-from-London face. “Oh,” he said. “Oh, yeah. Good point.”

“Everything sounds amazing in London,” Liam agreed. He was babbling probably. He just didn’t want Louis to start talking about how many famous people he’d met, or to turn around and leave. “Sounds like things have been better than you ever imagined. I remember we talked about how you’d go out there and you’d be a big success, right? And now you _are_ , you’ve got this amazing life, and—“

“Shut up,” said Louis. “Mistletoe.” 

“What?” Liam asked. 

“Mistletoe,” Louis said again, and pushed up on his toes, and kissed Liam. 

His mouth was hot and soft against Liam’s, but he was pressing hard. Their teeth bumped together, and their noses, and Liam’s head banged backward against the wall. Louis tasted of Christmas Eve dinner and mint gum and something else, achingly familiar. One of Louis’s hands came up and cupped Liam’s cheek. Liam grabbed Louis’s jumper with both hands. He wasn’t sure if Louis was teasing or just trying to shut him up, but if he only got one kiss he wanted it to be better than clashing teeth and messing around.

He kissed Louis as hard and as well as he knew how, not quite daring to open his mouth, not risking letting his hands wander. Louis was pressed up against him and kissing him, and his chest hurt from not breathing. It was magnificent. 

Bells jingled and the door banged open. “Look at the tree!” shrieked a little girl’s voice, and then, “Oooh, look at all the fairy lights!” Someone else shouted, “Presents!” and then “They aren’t for _you_ , Daisy!” and “Oooh, look at the little doggie! Come here, Loki!” 

Louis drew back. Liam felt cold, suddenly.

“Guess my mum is here,” Louis said. His cheeks were red and flushed. He straightened his shirt, not looking at Liam. 

“Yeah,” said Liam. Loki was barking and little voices were shouting happily at him. 

Louis didn’t say anything else, he just turned and snuck back around the right side of the tree. Liam leaned back against the wall and tried to remember how to breathe. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes.

Louis had a boyfriend. Whatever that kiss had been, Louis was cool now, and weird, and he had a boyfriend. 

But when Liam opened his eyes again, there was no mistletoe hanging from the ceiling over them, and he wasn’t sure what to think. 

—

With all the girls and Liam’s sisters and the dogs and Christmas music playing, their tiny house was not only full to overflowing but loud beyond the telling. The sun set early, and it was threatening to snow again, so it felt cozy and Christmassy along with being slightly overwhelming. Liam’s dad wanted him to sing Christmas Carols for everyone, so Liam did that for a while, and then there was food.

Louis was somehow always in another room, or on the far side of wherever Liam was. 

He wasn’t imagining it, because Ruth came over and whispered loudly, “Why is Louis avoiding you?” 

Liam shrugged. He genuinely didn’t know, although he had a suspicion. But then, Louis had been acting weird since he’d been home, and maybe Liam didn’t know him that well at all anymore. 

“He’s being a right twat, going on and on about some famous person he knows, until his mum told him to shut it,” Ruth grumbled. “It’s a load of shit, if you ask me.”

Liam was starting to wonder. He’d never been great at telling when Louis was lying and when he was playing a prank. It had never mattered much when they were kids, because Liam had always been in on the joke. But now, when he tried to remember the tone of voice Louis had been using when he talked about his fabulous life in London, _had_ there been something off about it? 

Or, Liam thought, with a sour twist in his stomach, did he just wish there had been so he could have his best friend back? 

He was pressed into playing board games with the littlest girls, although every couple of turns, Loki ran across the board and knocked all the pieces out of the way. The point of Sorry! was to knock the other players off the board, but Liam couldn’t bring himself to be mean to Daisy or Phoebe so he was playing very half-heartedly.

A heavy weight dropped on his back suddenly. “You’re rubbish at this, Payno,” said Louis in his ear. “I would have destroyed them both by now.”

“That’s because you cheat,” said Daisy, and threw the dice at him.

“Didn’t I always beat you?” Louis demanded, digging his knee into Liam’s back a little.

“Yeah,” said Liam agreeably, and didn’t mention that it was because he knew how much Louis liked to win. 

Louis had an arm over Liam’s shoulder and his chin hooked on top of Liam’s head. “Roll a six,” he said. “Destroy Phoebe.”

“No, Liam, nooooo!” Phoebe squealed.

“Sorry,” said Louis loudly, not sounding sorry at all. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” said Liam to Phoebe. Louis dug his knee into Liam’s back again, and Liam swore, and laughed, and tried to shove him off. 

“Yes, you will,” Louis ordered. He tried to reach for the dice by leaning over the top of Liam, and nearly knocked them both over. _A minute ago you were ignoring me_ , Liam thought, but didn’t say, because this was better. This was what he’d wanted for Christmas; Louis goofing around and paying attention to him. 

And Liam was nearly able to ignore how Louis felt, all pressed up against his back. It wasn’t like he was going to demand answers about being kissed when two of Louis’s sisters were shrieking about the game. So he was just going to ignore it, and pretend it was all normal. 

“Look what I found!” said Liam’s mum. “Look at the boys, look how cute.” She waved something at Jay, who cooed appreciatively. “Look, boys, how sweet is this?” 

She was holding a photograph of Liam and Louis in a little wooden frame. They were maybe ten and twelve, maybe a little younger, both squinting into the sun. Liam had his arm around Louis’s shoulder and Louis was smiling in a terribly naughty way. Louis was holding a football and Liam was covered in mud. 

Liam remembered that, actually. He’d been the goalie while Louis practiced kicking, and he’d caught a ball only to fall into a mud puddle. Kids from school had been at the park, and they’d laughed, and Louis had turned on them and shouted, “Fuck off!” Liam was still young enough to be shocked at the words, and so were the other kids. Louis had got in trouble for it later, but he hadn’t cared. And then he’d persuaded Liam to sneak out and come and visit him while he was grounded, and Liam had got caught trying to sneak into the loft to watch movies, and he’d ended up crying all over Jay when she told his mum. 

It had been a busy weekend. Liam had never got in trouble before he was friends with Louis, and he’d never regretted getting in trouble once he was friends with Louis. 

“You’re all covered in dirt,” said Louis. “Look at your hair! You look like a clown.”

Liam shrugged, because that was Louis’s teasing voice, not his mean one.

“I’ll take a picture now as well, shall I?” Jay asked. She held her phone up and said, “Smile! No, Louis, what’s wrong with you. Smile!”

Louis, Liam was absolutely certain, was pulling that stupid face he always pulled in photos, puffing out his cheeks and crossing his eyes. He giggled in spite of himself, and Louis pinched him, and Liam batted at his hands until he had to catch them to stop Louis pinching him again.

“I took a video, that’s always better with them,” Jay said. 

“Who wants to open presents?” Liam’s mum asked.

The girls all jumped to their feet, clamoring for presents. They’d always got one present on Christmas Eve together, and the rest of them the next day. Liam knew he was getting most of his tomorrow, and his parents were expecting him to pretend to be an adult about it. 

“Are you pretending to be too cool for Christmas presents?” asked Louis, whispering in Liam’s ear.

Liam gave Louis’s hand a little pinch. “Yes,” he said. “I’m nineteen.”

“Too bad,” Louis said, “because I got you something.” He had a funny, secretive little smile, the type he’d always had before he convinced Liam to skive off school or sneak in to a concert without a ticket. Liam’s stomach bottomed out and flipped over. Louis pulled a little box out from under the tree.

Liam didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t found anything for Louis, and it was not only Christmas Eve, it was his birthday. “You did?” he said uncertainly. It seemed unlikely, after not even texting for nearly two years. Maybe Louis had been missing him like he’d been missing Louis, and just never said.

“Just open it, Liam, it’s not a wedding ring,” Louis huffed. “I just got you a hat so you’d give me mine back, so I can give it back to Zayn.”

That felt a lot less great. Liam tried to keep the smile on his face. He pulled the wrapping paper off the box while Louis tapped his fingers impatiently against Liam’s arm. Liam laughed in spite of himself and shrugged Louis off. 

It was a black and white hat with a bear face and little ears on. “I had one like this a couple of years ago,” Liam said. “Mum, do you remember my bear hat?” He held it up.

“Oh, you loved that hat,” she said. “What ever happened to it?”

“Dunno, it just vanished and I couldn’t find it the next winter,” Liam said. He scrunched up his nose, trying to remember. 

“I, uh, may have taken it,” Louis said. He looked embarrassed, which was so unusual that Liam stared at him. Louis shrugged. “I borrowed it. I mean, I borrowed it but I didn’t actually ask you if it was alright, and then I lost it in London, and… Anyway, give me my hat back, Liam.” He snatched his hat out of Liam’s back pocket.

Why on earth had Louis taken Liam’s bear hat to London? He’d done nothing but make fun of Liam for wearing a hat with ears on. It was so unexpected that Liam didn’t know what to think. If he could spend Christmas with Louis teasing and playing and just being Louis his best friend again, that was a better present than anything Father Christmas might bring. Especially when there had been a mysterious, confusing kiss behind the tree. But he wasn’t going to say so. He wasn’t completely stupid.

“Cheers,” he said. His voice sounded a little thick.

“Liam found something for Louis, as well,” said Liam’s mum expectantly.

Liam winced. “Oh,” he said. “Um, about that…”

“Ooooh,” said Louis. “What did you get me? I want to see!”

Liam hesitated, because he didn’t want to lie. He hadn’t actually found anything for twenty pounds that Louis might possibly want, but he wasn’t going to say so when Louis was actually paying attention to him, as if he hadn’t vanished for two years. Liam was aware that is was slightly pathetic to be so happy to have Louis’s attention after being ignored, but he didn’t care. He’d missed Louis too much. 

“I forgot to bring it in,” Liam said. 

“Is it still outside? Is it huge? Did you get me a car?” Louis pulled at Liam until Liam stood up. “Come on, show me. I want to see.” 

“I left it at my flat,” Liam tried, warming up to lying a little.

“Well, that’s only a short walk. Run and get it,” his dad said. “You can’t have no present for Louis on his birthday.”

Liam was going to have to run home and try and find something in his flat to put into a bag for Louis. He had a couple of dog toys, half a sandwich, and the Avengers on DVD. “No, of course,” he said, “but—“

“I’ll just go with you,” said Louis. 

That was probably better, actually. Liam could explain when they were alone, and Louis probably had a better party he could go to anyway. He was going to leave again in a day or two, and Liam wouldn’t hear from him again for a year. Maybe longer. His stomach flipped over miserably. He’d had five minutes of having his best friend back and now he was about to lose him again. “You don’t have to—“

“Get your jacket, Liam. There’s a present waiting!”

Louis had lost all of his London cool; he plucked at Liam’s jumper until Liam batted his hands away and went to grab his jacket. Louis got his jacket, too, and pestered Liam straight out the door. 

It was cold and dark outside, and the barest dusting of snow was falling. Liam could see it in the street lamps and the halo of all the lights his dad had put up around the outside of the house. “It’s fucking freezing out here,” said Louis. 

“Yeah,” Liam agreed. It was really quiet, no one was out driving on Christmas Eve. “Are you cold? You’ve got your hat back.”

“You’ve got a hat, too,” Louis said. “Where’s your panda hat?”

Liam felt miserably guilty about putting it on when he didn’t have a gift for Louis in return. He could feel the cold getting in under the collar of his jacket and freezing his fingers. There was only a little bit of snow on the ground but his toes were already getting cold in his trainers. 

“Put it on,” Louis ordered. “And show me my present.”

“I…” Liam said, but he still couldn’t bring himself to say that he hadn’t figured anything out. So he put the hat on instead, shivering a little bit at the cold and not how Louis was looking at him. 

He wanted to kiss Louis again. He turned and started walking down the pavement.

“I can’t believe you forgot my present,” Louis said. Something about the dark, cold night outside made him seem louder. Between streetlights they were in real darkness. Liam shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket so they wouldn’t freeze off. At least his ears were warm. “It’s my birthday, and you left it at your flat. So irresponsible, Liam. I wonder what Zayn’s got me. He wouldn’t forget my birthday.”

It was like a punch to the gut. Of course Zayn wouldn’t have forgotten. Liam hated Zayn. “You’ll just get something nicer back in London,” Liam grumbled. 

“What?” Louis demanded.

Liam hadn’t actually meant to say that out loud. “Nothing,” he said. He crossed the street, tramping through a puddle that soaked his trainers. “I just said you’ll be going back to London soon anyway.”

“I will,” Louis said. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want a present _now_.”

It was exactly the sort of whiny thing Louis would have said any time they were growing up. Now it made Liam want to smack him and kiss him in about equal measures. “Look,” Liam said, skidding to a stop in the slush under the next street lamp. “I didn’t know what to get you, because you’ve got all these posh, amazing, perfect things in London. Okay? So I didn’t get you anything, and you don’t have to follow me around in the cold. I’ll just… I’ll go home, or… Or here.” He fished the twenty pound note out of his pocket. “You can use it to buy whatever that’ll buy in London. A drink at a bar with David Beckham or whoever. Or you can steal my hat again. Whatever will make you happy.”

Louis stopped. His eyes were wide and shocked and he looked terribly pale in the streetlight. Liam’s hands were cold, and his cheeks were starting to sting, and something a little bit like tears were threatening at the corners of his eyes. 

“If everything’s so perfect, I’m not surprised you haven’t been home, but you don’t need to keep rubbing it in my face. Here.” He shoved the money at Louis and then pulled the hat down farther over his ears and turned, stomping toward his flat.

He made it about four cold, slushy steps before Louis grabbed his arm. “Hang on,” he said. 

“You never texted me,” Liam said. That wasn’t what he’d meant to say. He sounded young, and hurt, and he didn’t know how to keep it off his face. “I’m glad everything’s so perfect for you, and I’m glad you’ve got Zayn. But you could have called me, or texted me, or _something_.”

He wasn’t going to sniffle like a baby and he wasn’t going to let himself cry. Genetics weren’t entirely on his side, though; his parents cried all the time. 

“Oh, Jesus, Liam, I thought you’d figured it out,” Louis said.

“What, that you’ve got a boyfriend? Everyone knows that. You showed Andy a load of pictures.” He hoped he sounded bitter, not just jealous. Bitter would be easier to explain.

Louis shook his head. “It’s all a load of shit.”

Liam stared at him. Snowflakes were falling, just enough to dust the edges of Louis’s hair and catch in his eyelashes. He looked beautiful. 

“You’ve been acting really weird,” Liam said uncertainly. New, horrible bragging Louis kept disappearing and being regular Louis again, but both of them were acting strangely. 

“It’s all _total rubbish_ , Liam, I thought you’d figured it out. I was avoiding you.” Louis grimaced. “I haven’t come home because I’m a big fat failure and everything’s a horrible disaster. Zayn’s my roommate. He’s the one good thing to happen to me in the last year. He’s a model; he pays the rent. I basically sleep in his cupboard. This is his jacket. That was his hat.”

“Your boyfriend shouldn’t make you sleep in the cupboard,” Liam said, and then, “Oh. The boyfriend thing was a lie. I get it.”

“I wasn’t gonna come home and say I’d spent two years getting fired from every job that wasn’t waiter,” Louis said, crossing his arms and putting his chin up. “I wasn’t gonna come home at all until I was a success at _something_. But mum is getting married again, and she wanted me to meet him, and…” He shrugged. 

“Why wouldn’t you call me, though?” Liam asked, honestly bewildered. “I’m your best friend! I mean, I’ve been your best friend. I don’t care if you’re waiting tables.”

“I couldn’t tell you, Liam,” Louis said. His voice broke. “You’ve always thought I was amazing, I wasn’t going to… I couldn’t tell you… You wouldn’t look at me like that anymore.”

Liam whispered, “Look at you like what?” 

“You’ve never had a gay thought,” Louis said. He sounded bitter. “You’ve never fancied a mate. And I was going to go away and be famous and successful and come back and impress you, and—“

“I have,” Liam blurted. Louis stopped. “I mean, I think I have. I’ve never _tried_ anything… Well, except when you kissed me.”

They stared at each other. Louis was haloed in street light and snow flakes and Liam was so cold he was worried his teeth would start chattering. He couldn’t breathe because the air was so cold that it burned his throat and his lungs. 

And he couldn’t breathe because he’d missed Louis so much, and the whole thing made such stupidly perfect sense when Louis said it. It was completely backward and ridiculous, but Liam got it. He’d had years of practice untangling Louis.

“You don’t have to do anything to impress me,” Liam said. “You never did. You never will do.”

The words hung between them in the cold. “You look so fit,” Louis said. “Even in that fucking ridiculous hat, you’re so fit. You seem so happy. I went and left and fucked it all up—“

“I’m _miserable_ ,” Liam said. “I’m bored to tears. I thought you weren’t calling because I was so boring.” 

Louis shook his head. “That’s stupid,” he said. “What if… What if I just kissed you again?”

“Did you find more invisible mistletoe?” Liam asked, teasing very gently.

Louis reached out and wrapped his hand in Liam’s jacket, pulling him closer. Louis was shivering. Liam could feel it. He could also count all the snowflakes in Louis’s eyelashes. 

“I know what you can get me for my birthday,” Louis said. His mouth tipped up into a little half smile, but it was a _real_ smile. “Something I can’t get in London.”

Liam grinned. He wrapped his arms around Louis and pulled him into a kiss. 

It was the coldest kiss of Liam’s life. Louis’s lips felt frozen, and his nose was an icicle pressing against Liam’s cheek. 

It was also the sweetest kiss he’d ever had. Louis’s breath was hot against his cheek, and he tasted like peppermint and – honestly this was the cheesiest thing Liam had ever thought – he tasted like Christmas. He tasted like happiness. 

Louis’s hands clutched at Liam’s jacket and Liam wrapped his arms around Louis’s waist and little prickles of snow fell on their faces and in their hair. Louis kissed demandingly, all tongue and teeth and urgency, and Liam just tried to keep up, kissing him back until he was breathless and dizzy and couldn’t feel how cold his fingers or his toes were anymore. All he could feel was how warm Louis was under his hands, and how badly he’d wanted this. Maybe for a long, long time, although he was only starting to work that out.

Louis was pushing up to kiss him, and eventually he overbalanced and staggered forward. Liam caught him, laughing. Then he realized he’d stepped backward into another puddle of half-melted snow. 

“Urgh,” he said. “We could do this somewhere less cold and wet, maybe?”

“But it’s snowing, and it’s Christmas Eve, and it’s my birthday, and I want to,” Louis said. He put his arms around Liam’s neck. “I wish I had a scarf so I could wrap it around both of us.”

“We’d just end up strangled,” Liam pointed out.

“Christmas fucking spirit, Liam,” Louis said, and Liam bit the inside of his cheek and tried not to grin, or say how overflowing with Christmas spirit he was at the moment. “You’ve got snowflakes on your nose.”

“You’ve got snowflakes in your hair.”

“Hang on.” Louis dug his phone out of his pocket. It took him three tries to get it working because his fingers were red and frozen. He held it out at arm’s length. “Christmas Eve selfie! Smile, Liam.”

Liam was fairly sure he hadn’t stopped smiling. Louis snapped a photo, and then Liam leaned in and kissed his cheek, and Louis snapped another. “You’re frozen,” Liam said. He could see the puff of icy air from his breath. “We should go inside.”

“You should warm me up,” said Louis. He dropped his phone. “Fuck! I didn’t send that photo off yet!”

Liam picked the phone up, before it could be kicked into a puddle. His fingers could barely grasp it. “We’ve got to go in,” he said.

“But you won’t kiss me inside,” Louis said. “Not with our families there. And it’s my birthday, and I want kissing.” He puckered his mouth up ridiculously.

“Stop it,” Liam said, meaning _don’t stop that at all_. He leaned in and kissed Louis again. It was supposed to be a fast kiss, just a peck, so he could drag Louis back inside, but Louis clung to him with both arms and nearly knocked them both over again. Louis kissed him and Liam groaned in to it, because he wanted to kiss Louis until both of them forgot their own names, but he was getting so cold he didn’t think he could. Life was so unfair.

“I’m a liar and mess,” Louis said. His words were half nonsense because he was still trying to kiss Liam while he talked. “But you love me, right?”

“Of course I do,” Liam said. “I always – I mean, it’s different, now, I guess?” He wasn’t sure it was different at all. “Just don’t lie anymore. I hate that.”

“Come back with me to London,” said Louis. He pulled back, breathless and red-cheeked and starry-eyed. He was beautiful, Liam thought, and reached up to brush some of the snow out of his hair. Just shockingly beautiful, and for whatever reason he wanted to kiss Liam. Amazing. “I took your hat because I couldn’t take you. Come with me this time.”

“Come with me _inside_ ,” Liam said. He wished he had mittens. “We’re going to be two frozen snowmen in a minute. I can’t feel my toes.”

“I’ll feel your toes,” Louis said, with an attempt at a sexy eyebrow waggle. Liam laughed and pulled a face at him. He tried to drag Louis back toward the house, but his legs were so cold he staggered and nearly dropped them both in the slush. “I’m not going back until you promise to come and visit me in London!” Louis shouted. His voice echoed weirdly in the darkness of the empty street at night. 

“Louis,” said Liam, trying his patient voice. He turned to look at Louis, who was bouncing and giddy and _ridiculous_. “Of course I’ll come to London. I’d’ve come last year, if you’d’ve called me. You ignored me for two years and then lied to me and then kissed me and lied about _that_ , but _now_ you want to tell me what to do—“

“That’s all ancient history, Liam!” Louis said. “You can’t still be nattering on about all _that_.” 

“Why did I miss you?” Liam asked, trying to stop grinning, or at least stop laughing when Louis was being so stupid. He wanted to be somewhere warm with Louis. Somewhere warm, preferably with a bed, and without both their parents in the next room.

“You don’t know anyone else like me, you can’t replace me,” Louis said. “Also, you love me. You said so.” He sounded a bit snotty about it, but Liam knew him so well – now that he had his Louis back, and that obnoxious stranger had gone – that he could hear the uncertainty and the delight underneath it. 

“I’ll love you when we’re inside,” Liam said, helping Louis up again. “No! Not like that! God, you’ve got the dirtiest mind.” 

Louis just grinned. “You said it, not me.”

It was a cold, slushy walk back to Liam’s house, and he was mostly frozen when they finally pushed the door open. His jeans were soaked up to the thighs and his fingers were entirely numb, and his toes felt like they were on fire. Louis was clinging to his back, demanding Liam carry him, “Because it’s my _birthday_ and you love me. You said so.”

Liam’s mum and dad looked up as they walked in. Liam felt like his face must look a bit different – he was blushing, for one, and his mouth felt just a little bit raw from all the kissing they’d done outside in the snow. 

“Oh, you’re back and you’re all wet,” said Ruth. “Ugh, don’t drip on me.”

“Liam’s going to come and visit me in London,” Louis said. Liam kicked off his wet trainers and Louis kissed him again. He still tasted of snow. No one batted an eye. Liam was almost disappointed.

“Yeah,” said Liam, blushing again. “I might.”

“Close the door before you let all the heat out,” said Liam’s mum. 

“Let’s go upstairs,” said Louis, shrugging his wet jacket off and helping Liam out of his.

“Not if you’re kissing, you’re not,” said Liam’s dad. Louis’s little sisters chorused a horrified, “Ewww!” “Come and sit by the tree and have something hot to drink, you both look frozen.”

Jay asked, “Did Liam get you something nice, then, Louis?” She gave them both a knowing look. Liam had known her since he was tiny, but that look was enough to make him want to die of embarrassment. His fingers tingled as they started to warm up, so he reached over and grabbed Louis’s hand. Louis turned and grinned at him. 

“Really nice, yeah,” said Louis, and tried to reach over and grab Liam’s dick. Which, in fairness, had always been a thing he’d done, but never right after kissing, and never when Liam was actually interested in having Louis touch his dick. Liam squeaked and tried to turn it in to a cool cough. 

“More importantly,” said Jay, “did you deserve it?”

Louis looked at Liam, eyes sparkling but serious, too. “No, I don’t reckon I do deserve it,” he said, “but I’m gonna try and keep it anyway.” 

—

Liam had always been impatient on Christmas Eve. Usually the moment he could, he’d run upstairs and try to make himself to go sleep so Father Christmas would come sooner. And then he’d lie awake all night, vibrating with excitement, thinking about all the presents that were coming.

This year he’d told himself he had a job and a flat of his own, and he was going to be an adult about it. He wasn’t going to spend the evening jumping out of his skin just because it was Christmas Eve.

And now, somehow, it was worse.

It was one thing to wait all night for presents, and it was something entirely different to wait for Louis.

The whole time Liam’s mum was serving dinner, Louis was finding excuses to press up behind him, hands around Liam’s waist, or giving him a friendly grope. And every time he did, sparks ran up and down Liam’s spine. First the delight of _I’ve got Louis back_ and then the different, newer, hotter feeling in his stomach when he remembered that he got to kiss Louis now.

Well, not now. Whenever this endless Christmas Eve was over, or maybe tomorrow. Definitely before Louis went back to London. Dinner on Christmas Eve had never taken so long, his parents had never had so many boring stories to tell, and Jay had never been so delighted to join them. And Louis’s sisters, who usually were reliably bored by half five, instead had put a little hat on Loki, and were having a wonderful time playing board games by the tree. Liam had never hated a minute of Christmas Eve before, but he couldn’t even hold Louis’s hand with his mum watching him. It was horribly embarrassing.

“Liam wants to sing Christmas carols, don’t you, Liam?” his dad yelled.

“Of course he does, Liam always wants to sing,” said Nic. She and her boyfriend were snuggled up in an overstuffed chair, with her on his lap. 

Liam, for once in his life, didn’t really want to sing Christmas carols. He wanted to snuggle up in a chair with Louis. He wanted to see what kissing Louis was like when Liam wasn’t startled, or frozen half to death. 

Liam smiled through all of it. No one seemed to notice that he forgot half the words to Deck the Halls, except Louis, who just grinned and waggled his eyebrows some more. Liam forgot the words entirely, then. Never mind what kissing Louis was going to be like. What was sex going to be like?

He forgot to sing entirely, trying to imagine that. Were they going to have sex? Was he going to go and visit Louis in London and then have sex with him? Liam had only been gay for a couple of days; he had literally no idea what on earth sex with Louis would involve. Well, he had an _idea_. But if Louis had been lying about his sexy, glamorous life in London, and having his roommate as his boyfriend, had he actually had sex with boys, either? He never had before he’d left, Liam would have known. 

“Liam’s not singing,” said Daisy, frowning.

“Liam’s just staring at Louis,” Phoebe chirped.

Liam dragged his eyes away from Louis, because he’d been staring at Louis’s crotch, actually, in his very tight jeans. It wasn’t like he’d never seen Louis’s dick, in eight years of being friends. He’d just never thought about it in a sex context, and now he was, and it was distracting.

“Maybe we should take the girls home,” said Jay. “We’ve got presents left to wrap. Louis, come and help me.”

“Oh, uh, I’m staying at Liam’s tonight,” said Louis. He had the good grace to look a little embarrassed, at least, since he hadn’t even asked. Liam managed not to say _You are?_ out loud, but his face must have said it. Louis looked at him and huffed in disdain, _of course I am_. And then his gaze flicked down to Liam’s mouth, and then down further, and Liam’s cheeks were flaming.

Daisy said, “That’s not fair! If we’re having a sleepover at Liam’s, I want to go!”

“Next time,” Jay said. She started pulling the girls along, helping them get into their jackets and making them say their thank yous to the Paynes. “We’ll host next year,” she promised, giving Liam’s mum a hug. “And you,” she added, turning to Liam. “Louis can go over to your flat, but you two—“

“Mum, stop, _stop_ ,” said Louis, loudly and immediately. “It’s me and Liam, we’ll be fine. Anyway, we’re grown ups now,” he added.

Liam felt a little embarrassed and not at all like a grown up. Jay kissed him, but they _still_ didn’t go; Lottie had lost her hat, and then Phoebe had forgotten to say good night to Loki, and it was literally, actually, one hundred thousand years before they left. Liam’s stomach hurt from waiting and wanting to reach over and grab Louis and being totally completely unable to do that while his mum and dad were in the room. 

“So, um,” said Louis, edging toward his jacket, which was still hanging by the door and dripping just a little. “Liam…”

“Liam was going to stay here tonight, actually, so he’d be first to the presents in the morning,” Ruth said. Liam had never hated her quite so much – he started to shout and she burst out laughing. “Joking, you should see your faces.”

“I’ll be back in the morning,” Liam said. “I just… I need to talk to Louis.”

“Talk,” said Nic, making air quotes with her fingers.

“Aww, leave them alone,” said Ruth’s boyfriend. 

Liam’s mum still wanted to hug him, as if he wouldn’t be back the next day, and she got a bit teary. “You’ll be good, won’t you,” she said. “It’s our Louis, of course, but—“

“Stop, mum, you have to stop,” said Liam, before he could get some kind of horrifying Christmas Eve sex lecture. 

Everyone applauded when Liam and Louis finally grabbed their jackets and ran out the door. It was horrifically embarrassing, and Liam wanted to apologize, but Louis kissed him again. “I suppose this is the problem with kissing someone whose mum has known you since you were both obsessed with the Hero Turtles,” he said. 

“Ninja turtles now,” Liam said. “Listen, I want to kiss you again, but Ruth is watching through the window—“

“Right, home to your flat,” said Louis, grabbing his hand. “Let’s go.”

“I can’t believe they all know where we’re going together,” Liam said. He pulled Louis along down the pavement. It would only be a couple of minutes to get there, if they jogged. Louis had never been much of a jogger, though.

“Your mum has a photo of me sticking my finger up your nose,” said Louis. “Not that I’m planning to stick fingers in noses tonight. Unless you’re into that. So I’m just saying, them knowing we’re gonna sleep together is only mildly more embarrassing than that VHS your dad has of you kicking the football into the wrong goal. Remember that? I nearly strangled you after.”

“A sleepover,” Liam said. “As if we’re going to wear Star Wars pyjamas and stay up all night watching Friday the Thirteenth.”

“We could do, if that’s what you’re into,” said Louis again, cheerfully.

Liam stopped. They were halfway home, ankle-deep in a puddle again, with snow starting to fall. He hadn’t even bothered to zip his jacket up. “Dunno what I’m into,” he said. “I mean, not that, probably, but I’ve never even really _thought_ about it, I’ve only just realized I fancy you this week because I was so bitterly jealous of your boyfriend. Roommate, I mean. I’m into _you_. Not even sure I’m proper gay or whatever, I’m just into you.”

Louis was staring at him again. Just, open mouthed and wide-eyed, staring. 

“You better know what we’re doing,” said Liam. “’Cause I don’t.”

“Fuck, I missed you so much in London,” said Louis. “No one wanted to do really dumb shit with me all the time. No one laughed at all my amazing pranks. No one had arms like you do, or said ridiculous things like _proper gay_. No one liked my bear hat. I mean, your bear hat. I was rubbish to you this week, I know. I’d just thought about you _so much_ while I was away, and I came home, and you look so fit.”

Liam didn’t know what to say to that. His cheeks were turning red again, and his stomach felt all swoopy and odd. Louis owed him some kind of apology, like a real one, but Liam knew Louis was rubbish at those, and he didn’t want to wait. He turned and started walking to his flat again, clutching Louis’s hand a little more tightly.

“You’ll love Zayn, I promise,” said Louis. “I never wanted you to come and visit because I think he’ll like you more than me. Probably kick me out of his flat so you can stay there. Oh, you know who you’ll love? Niall. You’ll love Niall. He’s this Irish bartender we know, he lives around the corner from us. He’s always giving us free drinks. I can’t believe you drink now.”

Liam just tuned him out, because they were nearly at his flat, and his fingers were cold and it was hard getting the key in the lock with Louis breathing down his neck being all beautiful and right there and thinking Liam was fit. 

“I should be cross with you, still,” he said. He got the door open, and before he could get up the steps, Louis crowded him against the wall so the bannister was pressing into his back. 

“Probably,” Louis agreed, and kissed him.

Liam edged up a couple of stairs, but Louis had his arms around his waist and it was slow going, walking backwards with someone trying to stick his tongue in your mouth and get his hands down your jeans. Liam couldn’t kiss and walk backwards and not giggle all at the same time. “Get off me,” he tried to say. “I’ve got a flat right there. I’ve got a bed.” But it was all rather lost in Louis, and the scratch of his stubble against Liam’s cheek and the shivery awareness of his fingers pressing into Liam’s hips and pressing against his bum where his jeans had slipped down.

It took forever to get to the top of the stairs. Liam kept banging into the wall, or tripping, or getting distracted by Louis’s tongue. Louis bit Liam’s lower lip and Liam dropped his keys, and then he couldn’t get Louis to stop kissing him long enough to pick them up again.

Eventually Liam had to strong-arm Louis, shoving him backward down a step. “You wait there,” he said, holding up his finger like when he was trying to get Loki to listen. “No!” he said, when Louis grinned. “Stay there. Wait.”

“And what do I get for waiting?” Louis asked. His eyes went a little dark. 

Liam picked up his keys and didn’t look at Louis’s face, because that wolfish expression and the leer in his voice made his dick twitch a little. “You wait there,” Liam said firmly. His face was feeling a little raw and overkissed, and he just wanted to get inside and get his jacket off and maybe have some tea and cuddle with Louis somewhere that wasn’t a puddle or a staircase. Then maybe take off some more clothes and wake up Christmas morning with him. 

Liam ran up the last couple of steps and unlocked the door. He expected Louis to bowl him over, but when he turned around Louis was still standing on the same step, with his arms crossed.

“Well, come on,” said Liam. 

“You told me to wait.”

“You’ve never listened to me a day in your life,” Liam said, exasperated. 

Louis had a funny smile on his face, still. “I’m listening now,” he said. “Do you want to yell at me for lying to you? I was a knobhead.”

“Well, don’t be a knobhead anymore and don’t lie to me,” Liam said. He knew he ought to be cross. He wouldn’t have forgiven anyone else who’d ignored him. He wouldn’t have dragged anyone else home with him so quickly. He thought about how much everything had hurt up until a couple of hours ago, but he couldn’t concentrate on it, when his stomach was full of butterflies thinking about Louis coming up the stairs. “You’ve got two years to make up to me,” he said. “I think you should come up here and give that a go.”

He wanted it to sound confident and sexy, but he was worried it came out a little nervous and plaintive. But Louis grinned again. He took his jacket off as he came up the last few steps. “Now what?” Louis asked. His voice had got a little low and husky. 

“What do you mean?” Liam frowned. 

“You told me to wait, and now you told me to come up here. What shall I do now?”

His smile was teasing, but that wasn’t what made Liam feel hot and then cold all over. “Um,” said Liam, losing his breath a little. “Close the door, I suppose?”

Louis turned and closed the door to Liam’s flat. And then he turned back around and smiled at Liam, and just waited. 

Louis clearly wanted him to say something. Liam’s brain had gone completely blank. “I don’t know what to tell you to do next,” he said, half a whisper.

“Next we do whatever you want to do,” Louis said. “I know you’re a bit worried you don’t know what you’re doing. But we’ll do whatever you say. Would you like to kiss me again? Or shout at me a bit, properly this time?”

Liam’s heart was banging into his ribs again suddenly. He dropped his jacket on the floor and kicked off his trainers. His flat felt very small suddenly. “I missed you,” Liam said. “You didn’t text me back and I didn’t know why. And then you came back and it was strange, and I had all these confusing feelings… I don’t want you to jerk me around, okay? If things are rubbish, just tell me. And please don’t vanish again like that. I think I’d die. Even if you just wanted to be mates, after this, if you vanished again I…” He shrugged and didn’t look at Louis.

“I won’t,” said Louis. “I promise, I won’t. First I wasn’t going to text until I’d done something to tell you about. And then it had been such a long time, I thought you wouldn’t want to hear from me anymore.”

“I always will,” Liam said. “How could you—“

“Because I got all mixed up. I won’t do it again, because I won’t go away again. Promise, Liam. You said I never listened, but I’m listening now, and I’m sorry, and I promise.”

Liam was rubbish at staying cross at Louis, he always had been. “Come over here, then,” said Liam, holding his arms out. Louis walked over and Liam pulled him into a hug, so tight he nearly lifted Louis’s feet off the ground. “This is what I want,” Liam said. “I just wanted you back.”

“But you also want to have sex with me, right?” Louis asked. “Because otherwise this stiffy I’ve got for you is a bit inappropriate.” He rubbed his hips against Liam, and yeah, Liam could feel his dick through his jeans. 

It was so hot, knowing Louis wanted him that much. “Yeah,” said Liam. His mouth went dry. “Kiss me,” he ordered.

Louis gave him a peck on the mouth. “Where should I kiss you?” he asked, voice low and naughty. 

Liam imagined Louis’s mouth on his cock, and felt his own cock getting hard. Louis’s mouth was amazing. Louis’s tongue was amazing. Louis was just amazing, full stop, and Liam couldn’t think for all the blood rushing out of his brain and into his pants. “That’s a bit much for the first minute of doing this, isn’t he?” he asked.

“I thought you said I’ve got two years to apologize for,” Louis argued. He put his hands on the flies on Liam’s jeans. “Shall I?”

Liam felt like he was going to keel over. He’d never got so hard so fast. “Undo my jeans?” he said, half a question, half a breathless request. Louis did, and Liam was relieved to see Louis’s hands were shaking as well. Liam pulled his jumper off and then pulled Louis’s shirt off. 

“And now?” Louis asked. His voice had got _very_ deep. His hands were on Liam’s bare chest. They felt like burning. Maybe he was still cold from outside. 

“You should—“ Liam’s voice cracked. He wasn’t really going to ask his oldest friend to suck his dick. That was insane. It was totally mad that this was the same Louis, his Louis, grinning at him like that, with that naughty smile. He was too hot, he couldn’t think, and it was getting hard to breathe. “I mean, if you want to. You could…”

Louis kissed Liam’s jaw. “Say it,” he murmured against Liam’s skin. “You can feel how much I want to. Ask me.”

“You should suck my… my cock,” Liam managed. Louis’s hands slid down his sides and his teeth scraped at Liam’s jaw. He could feel himself vibrating with anticipation and he had to close his eyes for a minute. 

When he opened them, Louis was on his knees, looking up at him. “As an apology?” Louis asked, teasing very gently as he slid his hands around to Liam’s bum and pulled his jeans down. Liam’s cock was straining against his pants, already creating a little damp spot right at the level where Louis’s face was. “Because I’m very, very sorry.” He ran his fingers around the waistband of Liam’s pants. The feeling of his fingers there, on Liam’s skin, made Liam feel like he was on fire.

“No,” Liam said. He needed something to lean on. His knees felt like water. “Because you want to. I hope.”

Louis groaned and pressed his face against Liam’s dick. Liam’s hips jumped without his consent. Oh god, he wanted this. If Louis didn’t stop teasing and do something soon, Liam was going to shove his hand in his own pants and jerk himself off. He couldn’t stand it. His balls were starting to ache, and Louis’s fingers on his thighs were sending sparks up and down his legs.

“I want to,” Louis said, sounding rough. “I’ve wanted to since you started boxing. Remember that day you came round to mine to borrow a cake pan for your mum, and you’d just got home from the gym, and you were wearing that ratty old t-shirt, the one with no sleeves? You smelled terrible. I wanted to get on my knees for you right then.”

Liam had no idea which day that might have been. He had loads of ratty old t-shirts and he was always running over to Louis’s house to do errands for his mum. “Oh,” he said faintly. “Really?” 

“Maybe before that, even. That twat, Gerard, the one who shoved you all the time in year six until I found him and I beat the shit out of him? You let him use your phone after school when his was dead. I’d have laughed in his face. I wanted to kiss you, then. Dirty kissing.”

“You never beat the shit out of Gerard,” said Liam. 

“I didn’t tell you,” Louis said.

Liam would have known, was the thing. Louis couldn’t keep a secret for shit, and anyway he wasn’t a fighter. Not with fists. He might have made Gerard cry, though, berating him with every deep dark secret he’d ever had. “You never said.”

Louis hooked his fingers in the waistband of Liam’s pants and pulled them down. Liam groaned as his dick bounced free, already full and dark and aching. Louis leaned in and nuzzled Liam’s thigh. His breath was hot against Liam’s legs, and the drag of his lips as he moved his mouth was enough to make Liam stagger, except Louis had his hands wrapped around the back of Liam’s thighs.

“I knew you’d never thought about me. You never would. So I left, because I didn’t want to be creepy, or always pining.”

Liam was going to have a whole argument with Louis later, when he could think. Right now he couldn’t manage much more than a groan and running his fingers through Louis’s hair, scratching his fingers against Louis’s scalp. “Do something now,” Liam said, trying to make words. 

“You like it when I tease,” said Louis, licking and kissing and dragging his tongue along the bottom of Liam’s cock. 

Liam groaned again and tugged at Louis’s hair. Louis made a noise that might have been a purr, almost. He sounded pleased. Liam could feel the vibrations through his skin. Louis nudged Liam’s thigh with his nose, and then finally, _finally_ wrapped his fingers around Liam’s cock and took it into his mouth.

Liam shuddered all over, and spent a long, painful minute just willing himself not to come. Louis clearly wasn’t a pro at this, but he wasn’t bad, either; he was a little slobbery and a little unfocused. All Liam was really thinking about was the wet hot heat of his mouth and the slide of his tongue and the pressure of his fingers. Another couple of minutes of that and Liam would be entirely done.

Liam pulled experimentally on Louis’s hair and Louis growled and sucked harder. He liked it, Liam could tell, but he had no idea why. Liam could feel his orgasm building, his balls getting tighter and his stomach starting to feel hot and cold in turns. “Louis,” he said, not wanting to be rude. He tried pulling on Louis’s hair again, but Louis just held on tighter with his hand wrapped around Liam’s thigh and dragged his lips along Liam’s cock. 

Liam came with a little shout, nearly falling over onto Louis. The world went white and then black and then hazy grey. Liam tried to balance himself with one hand on Louis’s shoulder, but his knees weren’t holding him, and he ended up staggering and then falling because his jeans were still around his knees. Louis caught him with both hands around his waist, and Liam ended up in Louis’s lap. 

He felt amazing. He felt like his bones were made of jelly.

“This,” Liam mumbled into Louis’s shoulder, “is definitely my best Christmas Eve ever.”

Louis laughed. “It’s only in my top three birthdays,” he said. “But I think I know how we could move it up the rankings.”

Liam was exhausted, but his heart tried to start banging away again. “Oh, do you want me to – I don’t know how to—I’m not sure I’m ready for—“ It was dead embarrassing, how anxious he could get, apparently. 

Louis kissed him and then shoved Liam off his lap so he could kick his jeans off. Liam kicked his off, too, feeling a bit boneless and giddy. Just sitting around his living room, naked, with his best friend. Normal Christmas sort of things to do. “How about you just give me a hand?” Louis asked. He leaned in and kissed Liam, and as his mouth was distracting him from all his panic, Louis’s hand landed on Liam’s and guided it toward Louis’s dick.

It was really worrying, how normal the whole thing felt. Liam hadn’t ever touched anyone else’s dick, and he hadn’t thought he’d want to, but the noise Louis made against his mouth when Liam’s fingers brushed his cock was sexier than any of the porn Liam had ever looked up online. Liam closed his hand around Louis’s dick and let Louis guide him through how fast he wanted to be stroked, and how hard. Louis kissed him harder, making breathy little “ah, ah, ah,” noises. The angle wasn’t great for Liam’s wrist, but he was willing to keep trying as long as Louis kept pressing into him, biting at his mouth and rocking his hips like that.

When Louis came, it was with a shout, and he bit down on Liam’s lip so hard Liam wondered if he was bleeding. Liam’s hand was sticky, which was a bit disgusting, but he wiped it off on his discarded jeans.

“The floor’s not very nice for cuddling,” Liam said. Did Louis want to cuddle? That was ridiculous. Of course Louis wanted to cuddle. Louis _loved_ to cuddle.

“Heard you have a bed,” Louis said. 

“I do. It’s a bit rubbish, but—“

“Bed,” Louis said, flopping on top of Liam.

Liam laughed and dragged Louis to his feet, and then over to the bed. Louis knocked them both over backwards into the pile of blankets and sheets on Liam’s mattress on the floor. “It’s not much, but it’s comfy,” Liam said.

“It’s not much, so you won’t mind moving to London with me,” Louis said. He sounded half asleep. Liam pulled the blankets over both of them, totally unsurprised when Louis insisted on being the little spoon. Liam was still a bit sweaty and wide-awake.

“I guess I could think about London?” Liam said. 

“Well I’m not going back without you, so think hard,” Louis said. He snuggled backward against Liam, and Liam felt all his glorious soft skin pressing against all of Liam’s skin, and was wider-awake than ever. “Shh. Go to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep, it’s Christmas Eve,” Liam said. He kissed the back of Louis’s neck. “It’s your birthday! How can you possibly sleep?”

Louis yawned and cuddled backward against him. He grabbed Liam’s hand and squeezed. “Easy,” he said. “Because I’ve already got everything I wished for.”


End file.
